The Coaching Habit. Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever

Category: manage
By: Michael Bungay Stanier
Source: https://www.amazon.com/Coaching-Habit-Less-Change-Forever/dp/0978440749
Tags: coach

Quick Summary

1 The Kickstart Question: "What's on your mind?"

2 The AWE Question: "And What Else?"

3: The Focus Question: "What’s the Real Challenge Here for You?"

4 The Foundation Question: "What Do You Want?"

5: The Lazy Question: "What do you want from me (out of curiosity)?"

6: The Strategic Question: "If You’re Saying Yes to This, What Are You Saying No To?"

7: The Learning Question: "What Was Most Useful for You?"

Intro

You’re probably not getting very effective coaching;

and you’re probably not delivering very effective coaching.

When you build a coaching habit, you can more easily break out of three vicious circles

Circle :one: Creating Overdependence

Circle :two: Getting Overwhelmed

Circle :three: Becoming Disconnected

You’re up against the Bind, the Grind and the Resigned.

How to Build a Habit

In which we unpack the real science of how to change your behaviour, rather than relying on the myths and lies that you’ll find on the Internet.

The change of behaviour at the heart of what this book is about is this: a little more asking people questions and a little less telling people what to do.

Duke University study says that at least 45 percent of our waking behaviour is habitual.

To build an effective new habit, you need five essential components:

Make a Vow

Research shows that if you spend too much time imagining the outcome, you’re less motivated to actually do the work to get there.

Zen Habits: Mastering the Art of Change.

think less about what your habit can do for you, and more about how this new habit will help a person or people you care about.

Figure Your Trigger

The more specific you can be when defining your trigger moment, the more useful a piece of data it is.

Double-S It: Be Short & Specific

define your new habit as a micro-habit that needs to take less than sixty seconds to complete.

It’s about getting really clear on the first step or two

Practice Deeply

three components of Deep Practice

Plan How to Get Back on Track

face the reality that we will not achieve perfection in our quest to build the habit.

We will miss a moment, miss a day. What you need to know is what to do when that happens.

Resilient systems build in fail-safes so that when something breaks down, the next step to recover is obvious.

Put It All Together: The New Habit Formula

three parts to the formula:

Identifying the Trigger: When This Happens...

Five types of triggers:

Identifying the Old Habit: Instead Of ...

Articulate the old habit, so you know what you’re trying to stop doing.

Defining the New Behaviour: I Will...

Define the new behaviour, one that will take sixty seconds or less to do.

A Final Word on Building Your Coaching Habit: This stuff is simple, but it’s not easy.

To counter that resistance,

Start somewhere easy.
Start small.
Buddy up.

The habit will slip. It won’t always work.

through deliberate and regular practice that you’ll move to conscious competence

Question Masterclass Part 1: Ask One Question at a Time

Ask one question at a time. Just one question at a time.

New Habit WHEN THIS HAPPENS… After I’ve asked a question…

INSTEAD OF… Adding another question. And then maybe another question, and then another, because after all, they’re all good questions and I’m really curious as to what their answers are…

I WILL… Ask just one question. (And then be quiet while I wait for the answer.)

1: The Kickstart Question: "What's on your mind?"

In which you discover the power of an opening question that gets the conversation happening fast and deep.

If you’ve ever felt stuck in a conversation, one of these three situations might be at play:

The Small Talk Tango: Small talk might be a useful way to warm up, but it’s rarely the bridge that leads to a conversation that matters.

The Ossified Agenda: commonly found in standing meetings—same time, same people, same place, same agenda. Dreary recitation of facts and figures. It’s putting process in front of what really matters.

The Default Diagnosis: There’s no question or conversation about what the issue is. You’re sure you know what it is. Or they’re sure they know what it is.

Digging faster or smarter isn’t going to help.

The Kickstart Question: What’s on Your Mind?"

Fail-safe way to start a chat

It’s encouragement to go right away to what’s exciting, what’s provoking anxiety. Let’s talk about the thing that matters most.

Coaching for Performance vs. Coaching for Development

Coaching for performance is about addressing and fixing a specific problem or challenge.

Coaching for development is about turning the focus from the issue to the person dealing with the issue, the person who’s managing the fire.

Deepen Focus with the 3Ps

"So there are three different facets of that we could look at," you offer.
"The project side—any challenges around the actual content. The people side—any
issues with team members/colleagues/other departments/bosses/customers/clients.
And patterns—if there’s a way that you’re getting in your own way, and not
showing up in the best possible way.  Where should we start?"

When they’re done discussing that P, you can just take them to one of the other two Ps and ask, "If this was a thing, what would the challenge here be for you?"

what you’re holding in your mind will unconsciously influence what you can notice and focus on. When you’re thinking of buying a red Mazda, you suddenly start noticing all the red Mazdas on the road.

Question Masterclass Part 2 Cut the Intro and Ask the Question

Here’s Your New Habit

WHEN THIS HAPPENS… When I’ve got a question to ask…

INSTEAD OF… Setting it up, framing it, explaining it, warming up to it and generally taking forever to get to the moment…

I WILL… Ask the question. (And then shut up to listen to the answer.)

2: The AWE Question: "And What Else?"

In which the Best Coaching Question in the World is revealed and you marvel at the power of three short words.

Tell less and ask more. Your advice is not as good As you think it is.

The Advice Monster leaps out of the darkness and hijacks the conversation. Before you realize what’s happening, your mind is turned towards finding The Answer and you’re leaping in to offer ideas,

Even though we don’t really know what the issue is, or what’s going on for the person, we’re quite sure we’ve got the answer she needs.

"And what else?" breaks that cycle. When asking it becomes a habit, it’s often the simplest way to stay lazy and stay curious.

Four Practical Tips for Asking "And What Else?"

A strong "wrap it up" variation of "And what else?" is "Is there anything else?"

The Paradox of Choice: generally assumed that four is actually the ideal number at which we can chunk information.

"And what else?" is such a useful question that you can add it into almost every exchange.

Question Masterclass Part 3 Should You Ask Rhetorical Questions?

Stop offering up advice with a question mark attached. That doesn’t count as asking a question. If you’ve got an idea, wait. Ask, "And what else?"

Here’s Your New Habit

WHEN THIS HAPPENS… I’ve got the answer, which I want to suggest…

INSTEAD OF… Asking a fake question such as "Have you thought of…?" or "What about…?" which is just advice with a question mark attached…

I WILL… Ask one of the Seven Essential Questions. And if I want to present an idea, I’ll offer it up as an option rather than a question.

3: The Focus Question: "What’s the Real Challenge Here for You?"

In which you find out how to stop spending so much time and effort solving the wrong problem.

When people start talking to you about the challenge at hand, what’s essential to remember is that what they’re laying out for you is rarely the actual problem.

And when you start jumping in to fix things, things go off the rails in three ways: you work on the wrong problem; you do the work your team should be doing; and the work doesn’t get done.

This is the question that will help slow down the rush to action, so you spend time solving the real problem, not just the first problem.

What’s the challenge? Curiosity is taking you in the right direction, but phrased like this the question is too vague.

What’s the real challenge here? Implied here is that there are a number of challenges to choose from, and you have to find the one that matters most.

What’s the real challenge here for you? It’s too easy for people to pontificate about the high-level or abstract challenges in a situation.

Focus on the real problem, not the first problem.

Instead of moving into advice-giving, solution-providing mode, you ask the Focus Question: "What’s the real challenge here for you?"

A solid forty-five minutes (in a 1:1) talking about John (a coworker). And no doubt it’s a thoroughly entertaining. You bonded deeply. This, however, is not coaching. Or managing. It’s gossiping. Or, more bluntly, bitching and moaning.

Three Strategies to Make This Question Work for You

One of your roles as a manager and a leader is to have answers. We’re just trying to slow down the rush to this role as your default behaviour.

In Barry Schwartz’s The Paradox of Choice, multiple studies that show how limiting choices reduces overwhelm and polychronicity,

Part of what makes the Focus Question work so well are those two final words, "for you."

researchers found that when the word "you" was present, the questions needed to be repeated fewer times, and the problems were solved in a shorter amount of time and with more accuracy.

Question Masterclass Part 4 Stick to Questions Starting with "What"

Yes, there’s a place for asking "Why?"

It’s not while you’re in a focused conversation

Two good reasons:

Stick to questions starting with "What" and avoid questions starting with "Why."

An Irresistible 1-2-3 Combination: The first three questions can combine to become a robust script for your coaching conversation.

So get to the heart of it and ask: So... what’s the real challenge here for you?

4 The Foundation Question: "What Do You Want?"

In which the question that lies at the very heart of adult-to-adult relationships is discussed.

Peter Block

We often don’t know what we actually want.

"The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place." -- George Bernard Shaw

One of the ways to ensure smoother sailing is to understand the difference between wants and needs.

Want: I’d like to have this.

Need: I must have this.

Marshall Rosenberg is the creator of Nonviolent Communication (NVC). In Rosenberg’s model, wants are the surface requests, the tactical outcomes we’d like from a situation.

Rosenberberg says there are nine self-explanatory universal needs.

| Affection     | Creation   | Recreation    |
| Freedom       | Identity   | Understanding |
| Participation | Protection | Subsistence   |

When you ask someone, "What do you want?" listen to see if you can guess the need that likely lies behind the person’s request.

The fundamental organizing principle of the brain is the risk-and-reward
response -- Neuroscientist Evan Gordon

Five times a second, at an unconscious level, your brain is scanning the environment around you and asking itself: Is it safe here? Or is it dangerous?

When the brain senses danger, "amygdala hijack."

We’re biased to assume that situations are dangerous rather than not.

TERA: influences how the brain reads any situation.

Increase the TERA Quotient whenever you can.

Asking questions in general, and asking "What do you want?" specifically, will do that.

It increases the sense of tribe-iness, rather than dictating, or helping him solve a challenge.

From the school of therapy known as "solution-based" therapy. They have a go-to question called the miracle question.

"Suppose that tonight, while you’re sleeping, a miracle happens. When you
get up in the morning tomorrow, how will you know that things have suddenly
got better?"

More courageously imagine what better (and much better) really looks like. A 10x improvement, not a 10 percent tweak.

Question Masterclass Part 5 Get Comfortable with Silence

When you ask someone one of the Seven Essential Questions, sometimes what follows is silence.

Silence is often a measure of success.

Means he’s thinking, searching for the answer.

Bite your tongue, and don’t fill the silence

Here’s Your New Habit

WHEN THIS HAPPENS… When I’ve asked a question and she doesn’t have an answer ready within the first two seconds…

INSTEAD OF… Filling up the space with another question or the same question just asked a new way or a suggestion or just pointless words…

I WILL… Take a breath, stay open and keep quiet for another three seconds.

5: The Lazy Question: "What do you want from me (out of curiosity)?"

In which you discover the question that will make you more useful to those you manage, while working less hard, and you decide that being lazy is a good thing after all.

Insight that when you offer to help someone, you "one up" yourself: you raise your status and you lower hers, whether you mean to or not.

The Karpman Drama Triangle starts by assuming that, at least some of the time, we’re playing less-than-fantastic versions of ourselves with most of the people with whom we interact.

We’re bouncing around between three archetypal roles: Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer, each one as unhelpful and dysfunctional as the other.

Victim

Persecutor

Rescuer

We tend to have a favourite role that we default to most of the time.

"The minute we begin to think we have all the answers, we forget the questions" -- Madeleine L’Engle

"Go on failing. Go on. Only next time, try to fail better." -- Samuel Beckett

Be Blunt...

The more direct version of How can I help?" is "What do you want from me?"

"What do you think I should do about…?" is the cheddar on the mousetrap.

Say, "That’s a great question. I’ve got some ideas, which I’ll share with you. But before I do, what are your first thoughts?"

"That’s terrific. What else could you do?"

"This is all good. Is there anything else you could try here?"

If the conversation is going well, keep asking "And what else?" until she has run out of ideas.

Question Masterclass Part 6 Actually Listen to the Answer

One of the most compelling things you can do after asking a question is to genuinely listen to the answer. Stay curious, my friend.

Here’s Your New Habit

WHEN THIS HAPPENS… After I’ve asked a question…

INSTEAD OF… Going through the motions of looking like I’m actively listening…

I WILL… Actually listen. And when I get distracted (which I will), I’ll come back and start listening again.

6: The Strategic Question: "If You’re Saying Yes to This, What Are You Saying No To?"

In which you get to the heart of overwhelm and discover the question at the heart of every good strategy.

George Bernard Shaw was on to something years ago when one of his maxims for revolutionaries stated, The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man."

"Being busy is a form of laziness — lazy thinking and indiscriminate action." -- Tim Ferriss

"The essence of strategy is choosing what not to do." -- Michael Porter

A Yes is nothing without the No that gives it boundaries and form.

3P model

Saying Yes more slowly means being willing to stay curious before committing.

Five Strategic Questions

Cognitive biases

Question Masterclass Part 7 Acknowledge the Answers You Get

Remember to acknowledge the person’s answers before you leap to the next "And what else?"

Some of my favourite replies are: FANTASTIC. I LIKE IT. GOOD ONE. NICE. YES, THAT’S GOOD. MMM-HMMM

Here’s Your New Habit

WHEN THIS HAPPENS… The person gives an answer to a question I’ve asked…

INSTEAD OF… Rushing on to the next question…

I WILL… Acknowledge the reply by saying, “Yes, that’s good.”

7: The Learning Question: "What Was Most Useful for You?"

In which you discover how to finish any conversation in a way that will make you look like a genius.

People don’t really learn when you tell them something. They don’t even really learn when they do something. They start learning, start creating new neural pathways, only when they have a chance to recall and reflect on what just happened.

The Learning Question: "What Was Most Useful for You?"

First major tactic they share is harnessing the impact of information retrieval.

pair of questions known as the Coaching Bookends.

Question Masterclass Part 8 Use Every Channel to Ask a Question

Here’s Your New Habit

WHEN THIS HAPPENS… When I get an email that triggers the Advice Monster…

INSTEAD OF… Writing out a long, thorough answer full of possible solutions, approaches and ideas, or even a short, terse answer with a single command…

I WILL… Decide which one of the seven questions would be most appropriate, and ask that question by email. It could sound like: “Wow, there’s a lot going on here. What’s the real challenge here for you, do you think?” “I’ve scanned your email. In a sentence or two, what do you want?” “Before I jump into a longer reply, let me ask you: What’s the real challenge here for you?”